Autism. A scary word.

It keeps hitting me at odd times. Autism. Sensory Processing Disorder. Things I've suspected for a while. But something about hearing them out loud makes me want to crawl under a rock and hide. Now while his case is very mild compared to some it will still affect his every day. Out every day. And it just keeps hitting me.

I'm planning outfits for pictures today and have a nice button down shirt with collar I'd love for Graham to wear. But Graham won't often wear shirts with collars because they "hurt" or "itch" or "bug me". I'm laying in bed reciting our day tomorrow over and over in my head. Because, Graham has to be prepared, especially if there's some thing out of routine that we will be doing. And even then on several occasions we have had to change plans last minute because he can't handle it. We go to see Santa and have lunch but there's a line 55 thousand million people long and it's loud, hot and crowded and he immediately starts shaking his head and shutting down. So we forgo those plans. Gaggles of kids play while Graham sits on the side lines and shows no interest of joining in. Bella has a stinky diaper and he goes into melt down mode because to him smells are magnified. He comes off as quirky and sometimes out right awkward and even though I LOVE him this way, it won't be easy making friends.

It makes me so sad for him. Life won't come as easily to him. This diagnosis makes me feel like I've somehow failed him. And it's embarrassing to talk about out loud sometimes. I always feel I'm being judged as a mother. Like other people don't see it as much. Or think he's just a bratty kid and we're not adequate parents.

It hits me that we'll have to fight for his rights in school. We'll have to take him to social groups and OT to help him learn to better do things that are hard for him. That we will most likely have more fights with him to get him to start being less dependent on us.

But he has so much going for him, I know he will fare just fine. He's intelligent, funny, charismatic, creative, inventive, talented, polite, and caring. And he has parents who are prepared for the battle! We will see this through and years from now we won't even remember what the fuss was all about.